I choose joy!

Change

2008-10-03T16:25:54Z

My friend's list has been tweaked and my future journal entries will be friends-locked. If you were shut out, it was with reason, though you are welcome to ask if you like. What I write here tends to be very personal, and I am not inclined to tolerate those who will spread it amongst the unfriendly. I do not do this to incite drama, only to prevent it in the future.

That aside, I do encourage new friends to come and join me! Entries are as likely to be about regular day-to-day life as kink and my life as a slave. If you would like to be let in, leave a comment here.

pout

2008-10-02T15:57:02Z

I miss Adam.

Happiest Girl Ever!

2008-10-01T15:39:10Z

I graduate today. *biggest happiest smiles* I am teh awesome!

My hair is Fabulous today as well.

I had the best, dirtiest sex last night...omg yay. :)

I get to have dinner with friends tonight, to celebrate my accomplishment. I feel loved!

Amanda has today off. Grocery shopping and graduating are the only things on our to-do list. Woot!

Did I mention my hair is fabulous? I hope it lasts till tonight...

Okay, off to start this wonderful day. *dances*

It's that time!

2008-09-28T23:45:43Z

Happy Birthday Tiffany!!!! *smooch* I hope you received lots of love today, you deserve lots and lots more. I can't believe I've known you this long, my god we're old. :D

faellie_sparks @ 2008-09-25T19:56:00

2008-09-25T23:56:48Z

Also, my hair is redder again. Woot!

Weirdness

2008-09-25T23:53:11Z

I just noticed something. I started my last post at 1-something, but didnt finish it till many hours later. It says that I posted it at 1-something, but it sits between two 5-something posts. I wonder, does it show up on your lists according to the incorrect posting time, or does it sit between 5-somethings for you too?

This just strikes me as odd, is all.

Meme

2008-09-19T15:27:51Z

So, there's this picture meme going around and it's a wonderful reminder why I'm glad I don't have the ability to take pictures of myself and have them easily transferable to the computer. I am also glad not to be the owner of a webcam. Why? Because there are Domly ones in my life who would probly take advantage of such a thing. Terrifying thought!

I'll stay behind on the times, thank you. *smiles*

Thanks to all

2008-09-19T00:34:06Z

Many peoples said wonderful and uplifting things in reply to my last post. This is my thank you for all of your kind thoughts and well-wishes. *smiles* You all rock my socks. And my shoes. And maybe even my undergarments.

Still terrified, but I know the answer to this is "Think positive, and take steps to change the situation!" so that is what I aspire to do. One foot in front of the other.

In the meantime, I must shamelessly peddle my wares. (Sorry guys!) Anyone want a massage? Anyone know someone who might? Do you know anyone who's having a party (and a massage therapist charging a dollar a minute would be way cool to have around!)? Do you work at an office where all are stressed and your supervisor (or whatever) is interested in improving morale with 15 minute massages to their employees?

I'm graduating Very soon. I have one class left, and Graduation is on October 1st. After I graduate, my price jumps from $40/hr to $50/hr for a full body massage, so take advantage of the lower price while you still can! I will also offer one and a half hour massages for $75 and may be willing to go two hours for $100. As of right now, I do house calls, bring my own table and supplies, I just need a good amount of floor space to set up on. I may begin charging for mileage if gas prices keep going up, but as of yet am not doing so. I'm too desperate yet to risk charging more for any reason.

Okay, I'm done begging. Everyone has to start somewhere, right? :)

my Lady...my love...

2008-09-18T05:03:27Z

i can't begin to tell you how much i miss you this night. It is so lonely in this bed without you. I miss the feeling of your hand on my cheek or tangled in my hair. I miss your delighted laugh, those sparkling and challenging eyes, the million sudden "I love you"s that feel like a miracle every time. ...I just want to be in your arms again.

Ramble

2008-09-12T14:16:06Z

I had a date with Pesh I've been meaning to post about, but I've been So busy. I hope to be able to post about it soon, but for now I'll just say I had a great time. *smiles*

We've added a degu to our household, adopted from someone who didn't have time for him. He has yet to be renamed and so is often called Critter.

There's a purring kitten cleaning himself on my lap.

I should eat something.

Clinic at 12. Should leave here at 11. Yesterday I had a 6 hour clinic shift, and I was busy the whole time. That was four massages, and then a trip to Garden City, where I did another massage. This one was for a grade. I got an A. *dances* I'm super excited because I did it on a teacher I respect and she was very impressed. She also wants to exchange massages with me and says she's looking forward to trying some of the stuff I did on her clients. Woot!

I got home from all that and passed out for an hour and a half. I then got up to pick Amanda up from work. My hands are a bit stiff-feeling, so I'm not really looking forward to working in the clinic today, but I'm sure I'll be fine. That is, so long as I stop procrastinating. :) Maybe I'll get a break today and won't have clients the whole time.

That was much more than I intended to write! Okay, I should go, for reals. Have an amazing day!

Gunnar

2008-09-11T11:41:03Z

There's this puppy I've known for as long as I've known Tiffany. You guys don't hear about her much, because I don't see much of her, but she's a friend from early high school. One of those people that will always be close and will always be there for me, and I for her, regardless of time or distance or even very different life choices. She and her mom have been very special to me. I once asked her mom to adopt me.

Gunnar is their dog.

I met him as a puppy. He greeted me with absolute joy every time I came over. He remembered me even after he hadn't seen me in forever. I love that dog. He has cancer and internal bleeding.

I'm pretty sure that he's passed away, from what she said in her last post. Some part of me refuses to say "He's dead." I don't want him to be gone. I won't mourn yet. I can't. He's...

I'll think about it later. Or tomorrow. I hope they're okay.

babble

2008-09-09T21:20:18Z

Made some significant progress on the messy state of my home today... (which reminds me, I need to put the load in the dryer.) Got all clean and showered and somewhat prepared for my date with Pesh tonight. I'm nervous and excited and not thinking about it much. It's better that way. *nods* Last night I exclaimed to Amanda, "I have a date with a Boy!". She countered with "You have a date with a Dominant." Eek, I say!

Back to not thinking about it. *smiles*

Had much needed amazing sex the other day. I love going down on her. Love It. Nothing better than a clit under my tongue.

Kinda hungry.

Somehow, this has been a busy day. *blinks* Where did the time go?

Being pushed to the point of begging makes me feel...owned. Well anchored and safe. Or maybe it's just the fact that she responded to my begging and stopped that makes me feel that way. *giggles* Who knows? I do know it was good, and silly me is looking forward to encountering it again for further contemplation...and stuff. :)

Have a great night!

faellie_sparks @ 2008-08-28T15:11:00

2008-08-28T19:57:22Z

I is the sick today. I no feel good. I need a happy injection.

Also, my hair is definitely more orange than red. *shrugs* I can dig it

dances

2008-08-24T15:04:15Z

Party good.
Perfect cake.
People good.
Yum!

I got several very cute things. The two B's were the life of the party for a while there. I just adore them. Yummy and unexpected encounter with Pesh and Leilia. It's fun being smooshed between them and watching her react to the things he does. It's really fun being taken to the bedroom for an impromptu fuck by my Lady. Several people showed up that I didn't expect, and it was wonderful. I was humiliated by the group singing of "Happy Birthday", and really, it's a memory I will treasure.

Thank you to everyone who came and contributed! I appreciate each and every one of you!

Now, I should go clean up the mess we made :)

Click for sexy kinky goodness. Or not. Your choice. :)

2008-08-21T19:21:00Z

Have I told you about Pesh and Leilia? I know I've mentioned them to a few of you. I've been hesitant to write about them, because I didn't want to scare them away or overstep any bounds by using their names...but I have received permission and I feel confident enough now in their mutual desire that I can share freely. At least mostly. *smiles*

We met them at a play party. Wicked or Space...one of the two. Pesh put Leilia up on a cross, right in front of us, and a crush was born. Watching the way he was with her, the way she responded to him...a beautiful thing. Not to mention the fact that they're both really very attractive. She had a blindfold on, and that brought my focus to her lips. No kidding, I was talking about them for weeks.

And of course, I barely dreamed they'd have any interest in me. Sometimes it's good to be wrong. :)

Long story short, a friendship was formed. I absolutely adore them. They're amazing people I feel privileged to know. They've became my most frequent clients and have been the source of some wonderful referrals. Now back to the yummy parts.

I went over to their house last night. There was the usual wonderful dinner with wine and dessert. (I think I'm actually beginning to Like wine!) Afterward, we played a little Mario Kart and then I set up for Leilia's massage. I wish all my clients were like her, she makes appreciative little noises the whole way through! And then it became obvious that it was almost time for Pesh and I to head to the basement.

Just thinking about how nervous I was makes me all nervous again. I stalled. I messaged my Lady. I called and chatted with her for a bit and she tried to calm me. Just as she mentioned that he probly knew I was stalling, he came up and made it obvious. "Let me know when you're done." he said, and then continued to stare at me for what felt like forever. My heart was pounding. I was terrified. I couldn't wait. He went downstairs to prepare, and I finished up my conversation.

It's amazing the silly things you think to do when you're nervous. He was downstairs, where I'd soon be at his mercy, and I was done with my conversation. What to do??? I actually contemplated messaging him to let him know I was done, rather than go downstairs. But that would have been ridiculous, right? And who's to say he actually has his phone with him, anyway? So I went, clutching my bottle of water like a safety blanket.

Of course, the first thing he said was "Put the bottle on the table." No more safety blanket for me! He spent a minute trying to calm this trembling girl down before having go to my knees. I don't know why I don't often do this immediately, because it's such a serious switch for me. My brain says "oh yeah, that's right, I'm a slave, I like it here!" and I see the whole world through different eyes. And I began to calm down.

My clothes were removed and a posture collar was put on me. I had little panicky feelings about this because I'm still not used to the one Amanda bought me. It means I can't lower my head. It's like 70% of my expression has been cut off and it's a big adjustment for me.

Then, he began to tie me up. Wrists first, held up, elbows together. I needed a reminder to put them back together just once and I began to really pay attention. I hate to disappoint. I was then stood up and my wrists were tied in place above my head. He asked if I was one of those naughty girls that like to untie the knots, and I was actually surprised by the question. Apparently he's had that problem before, but I'd have never dreamed of such a thing. I want to be there.

He tied my hair back with a ring in it. He did some ropework around my chest and between my legs, making a harness, and used my hair to hold my head back, tying it down to my back. You can imagine that if I have a hard time with a posture collar, this was definitely harder for me. Way to make a girl feel vulnerable! He caressed my neck, exposed beyond my control. I loved it.

On my knees again, hands bound behind my back. He's put a cushion on the floor, how thoughtful of him. :) But then comes a blindfold. Panicky feelings rise again. I'm bound, vulnerable, and I can't prepare myself for what's coming because I can't see. To my surprise, what comes is the sound of pictures being taken. I try not to think about it. I slow my breathing and focus on my body. I love the feel of rope against my skin. I love the tightness of being bound across the chest, the way it constricts your breathing just a little bit, leaving you constantly aware of its presence. The posture collar feels good around my neck. Solid and supportive. I find that still place in my mind.

I feel his hands on me, guiding me down onto my side. He's quiet and my voice is far away from that still place I've found, so there's some small confusion over what he wants from me, but I came out of it enough to speak and we got me where he wanted. He obviously decided I wasn't bound enough, because he tied my feet together and connected that by a line of rope to the back of the harness. I think I whimpered at being made even more incapable of moving. Some part of me always fights that, but a big part of me craves it. I am reminded again how much I love being bound.

He may have taken a few more pictures. I'm not sure. I was in the still place. Until of course he put clamps on my nipples. The first pair he tried didn't want to stay on, but while they were they made me giggle. They were the kind with vibrators attached, and this isn't something I'd experienced before. Since these didn't work, he got a different pair. I'm pretty sure these were clover clamps, and those fuckers stay where you want them. I think I screamed a little. He attached a vibrator to these and I know I yelled a bit for that. It was excruciating! Clover clamps always hurt, but usually the worst of it ebbs away fairly quickly. I'm convinced that the vibration causes that Not to happen. It stayed painful. It barely got better. I was unable to think past the hurt. But he spoke, and it gave me another thing to focus on, something other than the pain. He told me to let it go, and some other oddly soothing things. I wanted to get past it. I found that it became easier to bear.

What he said next made me burst out with some mad giggles. He wanted me to ask to have his cock in my mouth, or the clamps stayed on. I was so nervous about the thought of trying to please him in that way (and what if I fail?! I'm not all that experienced with males and it's been Forever!), the pain was a pleasant escape!

So there was more pain. He pulled the clamps. He spanked me and used his canes. At some point, the blindfold came off. When one of the clamps looked like it may fall off, he took it off and threatened to replace it, trying to get me to do what he wanted. I wouldn't. He put it back on and I about died from "OW!". I actually almost started crying right then, it hurt so bad and I was so conflicted. I began to worry that he would tire of me fighting him and be done with me.

When he went to take off the clamps, he made me count to three. On three, he took them off. I'm not sure, but I think that while it was crazy having this happen according to my count, it may also have made it easier to handle, having had the count to focus on and not being able to work myself up as much as I might have without it. (In case you're not aware...clover clamps do get easier to handle the longer they're on, but they also hurt even more to take off, the longer they've been on. It's this terrible catch 22 where I'm not even sure I want them to be taken off after a while because I'm afraid of that huge rush of pain. At home, I actually have a chew toy I use for this very purpose.)

My hair is untied and I can move now, at least as freely as a posture collar allows. Rolled onto my back, hands unbound and held above my head by one of his. He kneels over me and I don't even remember what I said, but it earned me a slap in the face. Several. I might have called him an asshole. I always knew I might be more mouthy with someone who wasn't Amanda, but not really having had that tested, I wasn't sure. I proved it this night. I'm glad as all hell it wasn't an Actual problem. I simply paid for the things I said, instead of being rejected for them, which is what I was terrified of. Thank goodness.

He's down to his underwear at this point. He pulls out his cock and touches my face with it. I know what he wants, but even though I want it I don't feel like I can. I fight. I turn away. I think I got slapped some more. He forced me to open my mouth and I do, just barely. His cock touches my lips and I open enough to let him in. He's so much bigger than I expected and I feel like the angle is bad and there's not enough lubrication, but this isn't under my control and I take it. It's overwhelming and hot and... He backed off and sat down in a chair, had me kneel in front of him. I did, hesitantly.

I was asked if I could keep my hands behind my back. I said that I could , but after a few minutes he tied them back behind me again. To help me, he said. And so there I was, kneeling in front of him and not sure what to do. He kind of laughed, not cruelly really, and said "You really don't remember what to do, do you?" He pulled his cock back out and sort of pushed my head in that direction. I really began to panic. I couldn't do this. It was different than when he was over me because in this I had some control over the situation, had to choose to do as I was told. I could barely feel any desire through this fear. (As background information, please understand that I've been damaged in this regard, and while I'd love to say I've made my way past it, and for a while I'd convinced myself that I had, it seems to be on a person by person basis, and not a fix for the gender as a whole. Each male needs to re-earn my trust as if it was they that hurt me. No, it doesn't make sense, it's just the way it is, and I'm trying to be kind to myself about it in hopes of healing.) But that doesn't mean I was willing to call it quits. I wanted to be pushed. I just didn't know if I could. I wanted to try. I wanted to be helped to try.

He pulled on the collar, he pushed me, I whimpered and fought, but I didn't back away. I think he slapped me some more for fighting. I tried to stop... He told me to rest my head on his thigh. I did, and tried to let the tension leave me. Unfortunately, this led to me crying. Neither of us were expecting this, but it was a very emotional situation for me so I guess I can't be mean to myself over it. He got me a kleenex. I told him I really didn't expect to cry. He said he never thought he'd relent. I was surprised. I hadn't actually thought he Would!

I looked at him...and I wish I remembered what I'd said. I know it was something to the effect of calling him "soft" and he reacted quickly. His cock was in my mouth suddenly. This didn't last very long though. He pulled my head up and I had the impression he was finished with me. I confided that I was afraid he wouldn't want me back. Down my head went again, but this time he wanted me to start slowly, with my tongue. I could do that...especially once I licked the tip and got a taste... *shivers, remembering* This really did it for me, and I wasn't gonna fight anymore.

He pulled me up again and told me he wasn't gonna come in my mouth since it had been so long since I'd experienced that kind of thing... I confided that the last time a man came in my mouth I giddily and hungrily licked up every little bit that escaped. That decided it for him and this time he kept ahold of the back of my head and fucked my mouth. This, btw, is something I'd Never allowed to happen, but omg was it hot. And, not being used to being used in that way, I did gag a few times, but, good girl that I am, I never considered stopping. Hell, I don't even know if that was a choice.

He finished, put away his gear, and got me all untied. I was still terrified I had been terrible, but I decided not to think about it. He sent me upstairs to see if Leilia needed help with anything, forbidding me to put my clothes back on. So, shy little me ran around in just underwear to find a very worked up Leilia.

He took care of that, though. :) And I was lucky enough to get some kisses before he took her to bed.

After that, we all cuddled, chatted, and had some de-caff with vanilla rum (Leilia makes this. If you haven't tried it, you're really missing out!). We convinced Pesh at nearly four in the morning to call off the next day, which was not very easy even with the prospect of little sleep. Very responsible, our Pesh is.

The morning found us at IHop having yummy foods. I had the meatiest omlette ever! We laughed about my "meat" craving. :) Soon after, it was time for me to leave.

And that, my friends, is the end of my omg long story. *big smiles*

I know, I know...

2008-08-21T14:48:55Z

I really have started that post. Really. And I'll probly even finish it! It's just that I haven't found myself with the time to do so. Or something.

You know how sometimes when you have a really good time and you want to write about it...but then suddenly you have a big fight-ish thing with someone and it's like crashing from an unbelievable height...and it's hard to recapture the feeling to write about it? That's what I'm experiencing. Everything's fine now...I'm just having trouble feeling those good feelings without feeling the icky too. And that just isn't the way I wanna feel about it all.

I want my purely yummy feelings back now please, k, thanks!

On the other hand, maybe this is just me being plagued by the horrors of pms. Very large possibility. *nods*

On fifty levels, I say YUM

2008-08-19T13:56:08Z

Hmm...

Okay, so I have a lot to say, but I think I need to get permissions from peoples first. Also, I think Amanda deserves to be the first to hear the pretty details.

And there are some fucking pretty details. :)

Had an Amazing night...

2008-08-17T13:12:56Z

and Yay for money-making, pretty dancing girls, yummy domly-ness, and sex!

But four hours is not enough sleep for a girl.
*dies*

All is well!

2008-08-13T21:22:57Z

Leaving class early is liberating. Didn't have a good reason, and I don't even care. Woot!

My re-integration into a more slave-like state of mind is going very well. Bit by bit, I am reclaimed, and it is wonderful.

We are somewhat perilously broke, but our heads are above water still. I'm trying to trust that I will start making money soon. It will happen.

I like furry things.

I'm not good at surprises, but I'm getting better!

Well, shit.

2008-08-10T01:49:40Z

Someone just asked me, "Think your ass could handle 26 spankings...from each person at your party?"

Oh my... Now that's a thought to dwell on for a bit...

When Lady is gone...

2008-08-09T20:25:11Z

...her girl will play?

Well, I intend to, anyway. I've been given permission to play with some wax, which I'm very excited about. Maybe I'll make a pot of decaf, pretend it's caffeinated, and try to get some more progress done on the painting too.

On the not so playful side of things, there is also house cleaning stuff to take care of. I should also probly eat something. I suck at eating when she's gone.

Feeling particularly lusty. My thoughts are only making it "worse". Oh my...
*dies*

makin dollars

2008-08-08T21:32:02Z

about to start my shift at the clinic. Class today was fun, thank goodness. I'm looking forward to being home again. In her arms. *happy sigh*

Selectively Un-Gay

2008-08-07T11:30:39Z

This is the term Amanda made up to describe me, and it seems she is so very correct.

I had an encounter the other day that reminds me. I love women. I sure can like a guy a lot. Even love them, really, but its not the head over heels romantic kind of love. It just doesn't work. If romance is involved with a guy, I get all paralyzed and awkward feeling. This is not the case at all with women. Amanda simplifies it by saying "honey, you're just gay!" and maybe that is in fact the case. Maybe all the over-analyzing is detrimental to myself.

Maybe it's okay that I can care a lot about a guy, be lusty as hell sometimes, and love all the dirty kinky stuff, but that's all. Maybe that will be enough for some guy along the way. More importantly, maybe I'll come to terms with it soon. That would be great. :)

I think I'm just a little hung up on the fact that I've hurt a guy or two along the way before I realized I couldn't be romantic with them. Don't want to hurt anyone, so I've been hesitant to get close. Trying to change that. Maybe just making it clear that while this may resemble romantic interest, don't mumble sweet nothings in my ear or I'll pull away, will help. Care for me, lust after me, call me a dirty slut and take advantage of my love of fucking...and we'll be just fine.

Progress

2008-08-05T15:51:13Z

It's slow, but it's happening. It's an effort...but it's Very gratifying.

Yesterday, we had a tiny little spat. I thought she was being impatient with me and let her know. I was quite bratty about it, which she quickly made me aware of. I sat in silence for a minute or two afterward, thinking. Of course, my first thoughts were of how unfair she was being. But it didn't take me long to start thinking about how I should have dealt with it differently. Regardless of whether or not she was being unfair or impatient with me, as her slave I could have reacted in a more productive manner. I had been disrespectful, and that just isn't okay.

We talked about it, and I felt better. I feel better in general! I know that I'm making my way back to where I should be. I didn't react the way I should have this time, but I'm much closer to doing so next time. This makes me very happy.

I told her "I will be a good slave again, I promise".
She said "I know".

:)

I figured it out

2008-08-02T01:20:02Z

I was unsatisfied with my ability to express what I felt was wrong, so I thought some more about it.

What I was trying to say is that I'd rarely ever felt myself entitled to anything, especially fair treatment, in regards to this relationship. My slave mindset was that I was somehow "less". Lower ranking. It was nice if my opinion was valued, but I didn't want the final say. I got a lot out of giving away my equality.

Amanda was never truly comfortable with this. She was afraid of abusing it. Eventually, she began getting more comfortable, but it never was to the level that I was desirous of.

These days, that is no longer the case. I just don't feel like less.

I had a bit of a breakdown about two months ago or so. There was a lot of things going on in my head and around me and I became overwhelmed. I'd been exploring different aspects of myself and when things started getting overwhelming, I just shut down. I didn't intend to, but as you know, these things sometimes do happen. It's a protective mechanism. So, all of my more vulnerable parts went into hiding. My slave included, it seems. Not completely, of course...but I think you get the idea.

And now I'm coming out of that shell to find that I have lost a bit of myself. There's no panic involved, just an awareness, and the desire to have it back. Lucky me, to have Amanda. She's so supportive and wonderful. And she's finding herself much more comfortable with the thought of me seeing myself as less, as I once did.

I hope that with her help I can find that place again. I miss that massive devotion and all consuming desire to serve.